Couldn't help myself.. today was just one of those days when I either was a old bat or just mean ..
Showing posts with label Hubris and laughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hubris and laughter. Show all posts
5.10.07
Old Truths..
Couldn't help myself.. today was just one of those days when I either was a old bat or just mean ..
30.6.07
Priceless...
A good friend posted this at a board I visit and omg it was to funny to let get past me so have to share this with you so the laughter keeps rolling..
Subject: LIZARD BIRTHING If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! Gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged "Hey, how can that be? I t thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" She inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm... you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience", I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth" "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't T HAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don 't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us.. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um...masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's jus t...just... Excited." my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face, laughing..."It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled he lizards and our son back into the car. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea,". Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
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my sides hurt I laughed so hard.. thanks O&W for shareing ..
Subject: LIZARD BIRTHING If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! Gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged "Hey, how can that be? I t thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" She inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm... you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience", I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth" "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't T HAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don 't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us.. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen ... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um...masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's jus t...just... Excited." my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face, laughing..."It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled he lizards and our son back into the car. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea,". Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
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my sides hurt I laughed so hard.. thanks O&W for shareing ..
28.3.07
HELP!! I gotta start tossing this junk!
STILL Packing, does it never end? oh I do wonder .. I got very early this morning to start on my computer cases and asst puter junks .. Just tossed out at least a 1000 old floppies from my first computer sheesh we have come along ways baby my new computer doesn't even have a floppy drive !!I have 5 keyboards 7 assorted colored mice ( all new never used or opened, I have to tell ya why; they are the regular old fashioned mouse .. sorry no good for me .. I use a marble ball mouse and will never go back to that damn squeaker style ) two new stacks of CD's and cords for speakers for power for pereferials and shesh you name it PLUS tons and tons of paper copy .. I saved everything it seems stuck it in a box and never looked at it again .. it is definitely toss time. I also have 4 complete computers and the towers for two more.. they all work to .. just need monitors is all sad part is I only use two the dell and the new gateway.. Guess I need to sell some stuff .. yeh!! yard sale time is coming up can do that really easy now since we now have a real yard to do it in.
I do believe we will have a good one to we have so much junk stuck away in a storage room or two .. baby stuff that needs to be sold off, toys , small accent stuff to make the house prettier than it already is .. I guess we are civilized pack-rats here an extra microwave we didn't have room for and everyone hated because of its size and all the complicated crap that ya had to deal with just to use it to reheat the coffee in yer cup .. TWO blenders? .. now how the hell did that happen?....oh yeh I was hunting thru the puter crap .. yep yep got 3 printers all used but they worked until I ran out of ink .. now why did I store them ?? cant buy ink for the one anymore its a very old style printer .. yanno the kind that used the folded paper .. loud pissy and ink gobbler I think that was the first printer I ever bought .. still hate to toss out working items .. bet most of you have the same issues with good working tools as well. well this one I know I have to toss cant buy ink for it anymore and not about to sell it to some poorer than me fool who only wants to have a slice of the great pie called computer toys. What else is here ? BOOKS on everything from your first computer to the idiots guide to repair to an aol handbook on learning how to computer .. omg that funny as hell to me because my first computer was an old Packard Bell- Windows 95 and had it hooked to aol because I didn't know any better. :: dies laughing now:: sheesh it still has the aol 3 on it now that's old stuff !! oh yeh I do still have the Packard Bell.. oh thats funny to see how far I have come since 1999 when I first got on line.. that old clunker let me into the world of la la land and let me learn to type .. spell checker was broken so that didn't happen and for some one like me who was not tech smart that was an awesome window .. what the hey the old clunker still works is just slow at times to load but has a ton of memory on it yep still good can set it up for the g/kids who like to play simple computer games .. OMG !! I gotta go thru some of those tossed floppies theres games on them for the kids that work on the Packard Bell!! See ya later I gotta get that bag outta the dumpster !!
I do believe we will have a good one to we have so much junk stuck away in a storage room or two .. baby stuff that needs to be sold off, toys , small accent stuff to make the house prettier than it already is .. I guess we are civilized pack-rats here an extra microwave we didn't have room for and everyone hated because of its size and all the complicated crap that ya had to deal with just to use it to reheat the coffee in yer cup .. TWO blenders? .. now how the hell did that happen?....oh yeh I was hunting thru the puter crap .. yep yep got 3 printers all used but they worked until I ran out of ink .. now why did I store them ?? cant buy ink for the one anymore its a very old style printer .. yanno the kind that used the folded paper .. loud pissy and ink gobbler I think that was the first printer I ever bought .. still hate to toss out working items .. bet most of you have the same issues with good working tools as well. well this one I know I have to toss cant buy ink for it anymore and not about to sell it to some poorer than me fool who only wants to have a slice of the great pie called computer toys. What else is here ? BOOKS on everything from your first computer to the idiots guide to repair to an aol handbook on learning how to computer .. omg that funny as hell to me because my first computer was an old Packard Bell- Windows 95 and had it hooked to aol because I didn't know any better. :: dies laughing now:: sheesh it still has the aol 3 on it now that's old stuff !! oh yeh I do still have the Packard Bell.. oh thats funny to see how far I have come since 1999 when I first got on line.. that old clunker let me into the world of la la land and let me learn to type .. spell checker was broken so that didn't happen and for some one like me who was not tech smart that was an awesome window .. what the hey the old clunker still works is just slow at times to load but has a ton of memory on it yep still good can set it up for the g/kids who like to play simple computer games .. OMG !! I gotta go thru some of those tossed floppies theres games on them for the kids that work on the Packard Bell!! See ya later I gotta get that bag outta the dumpster !!
19.3.07
Balloon story
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery, gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"-
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"-
~*~
You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!
You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!
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